Question from VB:

I have been enjoying your column, so finally got up the nerve to ask my question. I have been married for 19 years now and have three wonderful children ages 16, 13, and 11. My problem, if it is one, is that I feel almost like a single mom - my husband has always had little to do with the child-rearing no matter how much I try to get him involved. I feel like this is a throw-back to another generation when the father wasn't that involved in the children's lives, and it seems to me it's not right. But maybe I'm just being unreasonable. What do you think?

Terri's Feed-back

Is it a problem that a father has little to do with parenting his children? Absolutely, and you've been far too accepting of his behavior ("trying to get him involved" sounds the same as "gee, it would be nice if you'd act like a father, but hey, no problem if you don't..."), which only serves to perpetuate it.

As you point out, it's been a few decades since we've found it acceptable for fathers to be disengaged from parenting. And even if you're a stay-at-home mom and he's the proverbial bread-winner, it is simply not acceptable that he doesn't want to be an active participant in child-rearing. So, let's move into what to do about it.

There are a few possible causes for his behavior. I'll list them along with my recommendation for a plan of action for each (once you discover which underlying cause applies).

Cause #1: He's just plain disinterested in the parenting thing. If this turns out to be true, it's a real problem for you and the kids, and I'd question his overall commitment to all aspects of the family - including the marriage. You cannot have a healthy family or couple relationship when you introduce children to the mix and only one person is interested in them.... There's too much at stake for the children, and it's a clear indication that the disinterested party is in a life-situation that is not right for (in this case) him, and therefore not right for everyone. If you find this scenario to be the case, you need to re-think the entire arrangement, and seek counseling immediately as this is a serious problem.

Cause #2: He's feeling inadequate as a parent and thinks he's doing the kids a favor by staying out of the way, or:

Cause #3: He doesn't want to lose out on being the kids' "friend" by having that pesky parenting behavior get in the way, I believe either of these last two causes to be more likely for two reasons: first, both are more typical, and second, you didn't mention any problems with his husband-like behavior, so I'll take it he's pretty good in that department (but if he isn't, it's time for you to be unwilling to accept that as well) which is a good indication that he can be loving and involved emotionally. You also say your children are wonderful, so clearly your husband is doing no harm, which is additional good news.

So, when you say "child-rearing" as it relates to his father-like behavior, I'm guessing you mean that he won't participate in making the child-related decisions, but does have some sort of relationship with them (emotional, recreational, etc.). Some parents are resistant to the hard part of parenting - disciplining, saying "no", etc. - in essence, the parts that require being the bad guy in order to be the good parent. But by ducking this aspect of being a Dad, he is doing the children and himself no favor (not to mention you...) - in fact he is hurting them as well as his own credibility with them, which will really start to show as they move into later teen/young adulthood.

In summary, yes, it's not right, and it is up to you - as both the responsible parent and his loving wife - to no longer accept his disconnectedness and insist he get the help he clearly needs.You'll have to move this issue from one that warrants only "prodding" to one that is a non-negotiable. This will create the friction that I'm sure you've been avoiding all these years. But any worthwhile endeavor is worth the difficulties endured to achieve it - and this is absolutely a worthwhile endeavor. All of you will be the better for it - particularly your children, who are, after all, the first priority.